"I'm going to lift up your bottom to slide your nappy out now."
What sounds like a simple comment a parent might make while taking care of their baby, is actually teaching body safety and consent in infancy.
"Creating these habits of narrating in a consistent way really helps a child to build a foundation for bodily autonomy, well before they have language," explains Katherine Bussey, infant and toddler specialist and lecturer in curriculum, pedagogy and assessment at Deakin University.
And narrating nappy changes isn't the only way parents and caregivers can strengthen bonds and start lessons around body safety early.
Dr Bussey, a former early childhood teacher, says there are small moments in every day we can be making a big difference.
Why we need to start teaching kids about consent in infancy
Making consent a normal, everyday part of life can help keep kids safe from abuse and set them up for healthy relationships later in life, explains Dr Bussey. It teaches them what is and isn't OK when it comes to their bodies.
But many parents don't start teaching about sex, sexuality, consent, body safety and respectful relationships early enough with their children because they don't have the language, says Vanessa Hamilton.
She's a sexuality educator and registered sexual health nurse and author of Talking Sex: A Conversation Guide for Parents.
It's never too soon or too late to start, she says, adding "anything you say is better than nothing because children are getting their education from the world around them every day about these topics, whether we like it or not."
"Body safety, consent, how babies are made — you want to be the person who delivers this information," Ms Hamilton says.
"And surprisingly to most parents, that needs to start at an early age."
She says parents and caregivers finding it tough should cut themselves some slack. Many of us didn't have these conversations with our own parents.
But we need prioritise doing things differently.
"Do your research. It's probably the most important thing we can do with our children," Ms Hamilton says.
"We grew up with fear and taboo and shame around these topics … you can break that cycle of not having the language.
"It's a child's right to learn about bodies and respectful relationships — and [they] start in the playground."
Using nappy changes to teach consent
While babies and toddlers may not be able to communicate with words, there are many other ways they communicate with us, explains Dr Bussey.
For example, during a nappy change, "pay attention to their muscle tension, or muscle response, eye contact," she says.
Ms Hamilton says parents should consistently use the correct names for body parts, including penis and vulva: "We know that's protective."
"Narrate what you are doing to them, so they understand what a typical nappy change situation is."
For example, "I am wiping your bottom now."
You can also give your babies and toddlers choices, but this isn't what some people think, says Dr Bussey.
"A child never has a choice about a nappy change or not … sometimes we have to set a boundary," just like when grabbing their hand to cross a road — whether they want to hold your hand or not.
"It's how you approach it to help them feel initial autonomy. And later on they can have some more bodily autonomy as they are involved in the process."
For example, you can let the child know it's time to change their nappy, and ask "Would you like to crawl to the change table or have me carry you?"
"That first choice means we are not coming at it from a challenge of power," says Dr Bussey.
Also, Dr Bussey says every time we touch our child, in particular their genital region, we want them to "not be distracted or distressed".
If they are crying, try to calm them down, she says.
"And really help them to feel in their body, so when someone touches their genitals, they are paying attention."
That way, if anything "untoward" was happening during a nappy change, for example at a childcare service, Dr Bussey says babies would be able to express something did not feel comfortable.
"The children really know what it means to feel involved in what is going on."
Other ways to introduce teachings into your child's day
Other ways of introducing consent and autonomy into your child's day include asking questions like "How do you want me to cut your sandwich, triangle or squares?" and "Did you want to climb into the car seat yourself?"
Giving options helps children feel that they matter and have value in the world, Dr Bussey says.
We can normalise consent by asking permission for things too, such as "Did you want to play rough and tumble now?" And stopping when they say so.
Ms Hamilton says we should never force affection onto a child, and that includes when other family members ask for hugs or kisses.
"They don't need to provide that need for intimacy that the adult wants from that child.
"Stand up for the child and say 'Today you might just feel like a high five instead'."
And messages around privacy and nakedness are important, says Ms Hamilton.
"Teaching kids at the public pool they can't run around without bathers on. Talk about why that is."
She says kids should also know the difference between secrets and surprises.
"We can have surprises like birthday parties, but no secrets. If anyone asks you to say 'Don't tell anyone', they need to alert a trusted adult."
A chance to increase connection with your child
Our experts acknowledge teaching consent can feel like "just another thing" we need do as parents.
Dr Bussey says it's OK if we don't get it right all the time. Sometimes, for example, a nappy change might need to be rushed.
But the rewards are more than helping to keep our children safe.
"Not only are you meeting child's physical needs, but also by engaging in care moments where you are really paying attention, I have found and experience, and research shows as well, in that short period of time you really fill up the child's emotional cup," Dr Bussey says.
In her time as an early childhood education teacher, Dr Bussey saw children, even young babies, be able to play independently for longer when caregivers are more engaged in those caring moments.
"I never had children following me around being clingy … because they felt good because those times we did connect in care moments, it was great.
"You're refuelling and connecting every time you have those moments together."
