Why don't you just adopt? You can have one of mine! At least you get to sleep-in…
When someone discloses they are childless not by choice, it can be tempting to reach for problem-solving suggestions or silver-lining statements.
Sarah Roberts has heard them all.
And while most people don't mean to cause harm, the 55-year-old from Brisbane/Meanjin says a lacking awareness around how sensitive a topic childlessness is, means they often do.
"These comments can actually be triggers to trauma, to grief, to shame — and the range of different emotions and experiences that we often stay silent about to protect ourselves."
The childlessness grief counsellor and lived experience advocate says missing out on parenthood can cause a "deep existential crisis", and understanding that we hold different reproductive identities can help us be more sensitive.
World Childless Week runs from September 16 to 22 in 2024 and aims to raise awareness for the community.
'People don't have the language'
Judy Graham from the Gold Coast/Yugambeh Language Region is childless by circumstance.
The 53-year-old, who is also a counsellor and grief therapist working with women who are childless not by choice, says she didn't meet someone she wanted to have children with.
She also had severe endometriosis.
"I had multiple surgeries and ultimately endometriosis ravaged my ovaries, and stole my fertility.
"I had a hysterectomy at the age of 42, which totally eased my physical pain, but cracked open my emotional pain."
Ms Graham says World Childless Week is an opportunity for people to learn more about childlessness.
"I recognise that general people don't have a language for this."
She says a common conversation starter is: "Do you have kids?"
When people say no, Ms Graham says we need to be able to invite conversation, rather than shut it down with flippant comments or unsolicited advice.
"When a conversation is shut down, it makes people feel isolated, and that is a problem for people's mental health; we all need connection and validation."
'You can have my kids!'
While waiting to find the "right partner" to have children with, Ms Graham says it wasn't uncommon for people to suggest she go it alone.
"I didn't want to do it on my own. So those comments were really invalidating.
"That's not my story, you are projecting that onto me."
She says there is a judgement that "you didn't really try hard enough", so you don't have the right to grieve.
Offering solutions is also common, says Ms Graham, such as "Why don't you just adopt?"
"It's so invalidating because you don't get to have your own children, but it just misses the mark on so many levels.
"In Australia, it's virtually impossible to adopt."
She says it also devalues the lives of those children who might need adoption.
People undergoing fertility treatment might hear "Just relax and it will happen", or miracle stories, like "I know someone who got pregnant at 45", Ms Graham says.
There can also be assumptions made, such as "You have so much time on your hands", or jokes — "You can have my kids!"
Ms Roberts, who underwent IVF treatment for 10 years, says people will also "idolise your life".
"'Aren't you lucky, you can lie-in, and you have all these freedoms.'
"The cost of that freedom isn't acknowledged."
The suggestion that childless women can "mother in other ways" is also invalidating, she says.
"I will never have a child in my domestic space. I will never birth or raise a child. I will never have a child who calls my house a home.
"And it says: well, you can just do XYZ and that will be a substitute."
Childless men we spoke to shared similar experiences of receiving clumsy and insensitive remarks.
"It's not for everyone", "You're better off without them" and "You'll never know the true meaning of love" were some examples.
Ms Graham says silence is the hardest reaction of all.
"That is crushing."
How we can validate the childless experience
Recognising we may not know much about childlessness is a good first step when hearing someone is childless not by choice, says Ms Roberts.
"Sometimes saying 'I don't know what to say' is better."
She says it's not too extreme to consider if you would say the same thing to someone whose child had died, given many childless people have gone through reproductive losses including miscarriage and stillbirth.
"And you're saying, 'Aren't you lucky you get to lie-in?'"
Ms Graham says to avoid offering solutions or minimising an experience, and instead listen, acknowledge, and ask if they would like to share more.
"It's being authentic in the moment: 'Oh, I didn't realise that was happening for you, how is that?'"
"I just wish people had better conversation starters … more general, like 'What bought you here?'
"So you can get to know the person before asking a question about their reproductive status."
