If you're experiencing a separation after spending decades with your partner or spouse, you are not alone.
"Silver splitting" or "grey divorce" is on the rise in Australia, according to psychologist and university lecturer Rachael Sharman.
"And their demographic is becoming more common," she says.
Aussie A-listers have Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have separated, with the actress filing for divorce after 19 years of marriage to the country singer.
We spoke with experts about how you can navigate this difficult time both personally and professionally.
What is separation and how is it different to divorce?
In Australian family law, separation refers to the situation where a couple, whether married or in a de facto relationship, decides to end their relationship and live apart.
"Separation occurs when at least one person in the relationship makes the decision to separate, acts on that decision and tells the other person," Legal Aid Queensland says.
"Your partner doesn't have to agree.
"You can be separated and still be living in the same home."
Divorce is the formal process of officially ending a legal marriage, which starts with an application for divorce.
There is no formal legal process required for separation, but experts say it is essential to note the date of separation as it has implications for divorce, property settlements, and financial matters.
Seeking out the right supports
Dr Sharman, from the University of the Sunshine Coast, on Kabi Kabi Country, recommends people seek financial guidance and a professional mediator to help them navigate the separation process, especially if there are children, shared assets and finances involved.
"I think the support that I see people lacking in is financial, particularly if you've not been the person to manage finances," she says.
"Rather than necessarily racing off to the psychologist, I would probably suggest people head off to a financial planner and figure out exactly how are you going to live single."
She says a low or no-cost mediator, through Relationships Australia for example, can be a useful for navigating financial, property and parenting agreements.
"So, mediation will really help the separating couple come to a reasonable agreement over how you want to manage this and the separation of property, without involving the lawyers."
Family law expert Geoffrey Sinclair says there are a few key things people should consider after a separation, including their capacity to borrow money.
"That's something that people don't really think about, particularly in circumstances where they've been able to borrow all their life," he says.
"As they get older, it gets harder to get money."
Separation could also affect superannuation, the terms of a will and enduring power of attorney, including decisions about health care.
How to navigate telling family and friends
In a separation that follows drifting apart or falling out of love — as distinct from a separation involving violence or abuse, which this article doesn't discuss — it's normal for people to feel shame or embarrassment.
Melbourne/Naarm psychologist Juniper Muller, who works with LGBTQIA+ clients, encourages people to lean on their supports when they're going through a break-up — and to get in early.
"Sometimes you want to keep it really private," she says.
"But in fact, often that just isolates you and makes you feel really alone.
"If you're running into troubles in your relationship, don't wait until the break-up to talk to your friends or community about it."
Dr Sharman recommends a couple has a plan of how living arrangements and custody will possibly work, before they tell their children or close family members.
"I think it's a sit-down, face-to-face conversation, 'look we've come to this decision, this is what we're doing'," she says.
"If it's a 'we don't know where we're living, we don't know what's going on with custody', people are going to really, really worry about you."
She says couples should not naturally assume their children will take the news well just because they may be older teenagers or young adults.
"I think there's an assumption that because they're not young they'll be fine; in fact some young adults can completely freak out," she says.
"So, make sure when you do sit down with people, you do sort of have some sort of plan that you can share with them."
How to navigate telling an employer or colleagues
Dr Sharman says deciding how to tell your employers and work colleagues you are separating is a "deeply personal" choice.
"I've seen people who've raced in and told everyone and had counselling with everyone up and down the hallway," she says.
"And then I've seen other people play their cards really close to their chest and for their workmates to maybe not realise until after a year or two after the whole thing's gone down."
Megan Luscombe is a relationship coach based in Boonwurrung/Mount Martha, on Victoria's Mornington Peninsula.
She encourages people to decide for themselves what, if anything, they want to disclose.
"They may use boundary statements during disclosure such as, 'I'm navigating a separation with my husband/wife/partner right now and whilst I won't be talking further about it, I wanted to let you know,'" she says.
"This is completely up to the individual and what works for one, might not suit the other."
Understanding your separation style
Melbourne-based family lawyer Dani Zetzer encourages her clients to take responsibility for their part in a separation.
"But I think that in order to speed up the process of healing, we need to consider, 'Well, hang on, what did we bring to the table?' she told ABC Radio National's Life Matters.
"That's a hard question to ask of ourselves when we're going through a really hard time, but I really think it's the key."
Ms Zetzer, who has worked with clients going through divorce for over a decade, says she's observed different types of people in a break-up.
They include the person still holding onto hope of reconciliation, the person who "micromanages everything … out of fear", the person avoiding reality who has "their head in the sand", and the person "really stuck in the past" and struggling to move on.
The categories aren't scientific, but Ms Zetzer believes they are useful for people in a separation to consider to for understanding and empathy.
This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.
