How to protect yourself from narcissists’ weapon of choice – passive aggression

Imagine asking a coworker to help you on a project, and although they agree, they suddenly “forget” whenever the deadline approaches. Or a friend saying “you look beautiful today, I barely recognised you,” after you show them your new haircut.

Perhaps you know all too well the feeling of a parent or partner ignoring you following some perceived slight.

On the surface this behaviour may seem relatively minor. But if it happens often, this could indicate a narcissist is using passive-aggressive behaviour to try and hurt you.

To protect yourself, it helps to know where a narcissist is coming from.

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The term “narcissist” can refer to people with high levels of narcissism, not necessarily that they have a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. There are generally two types: grandiose and vulnerable.

Grandiose narcissists usually view themselves as special and superior to others and are likely to brag about their achievements. Vulnerable narcissists tend to be self-conscious, sensitive to the slightest criticism and have an insatiable need for external appreciation.

Both can be self-centred and prone to aggression, though passive-aggressive behaviour may be more often used by vulnerable narcissists.

One explanation for their behaviour could be their motivation to become dominant and gain status. For example, they may feel like belittling their competition strengthens chances of getting a promotion at work. Another reason is that they can be thin-skinned. Any negative evaluation against them, like being left out of a work social event, may trigger a defensive reaction to attack another person to try and maintain their self-esteem.

They also have a tendency to feel ostracised even when it’s not true. Research has shown that when narcissists are provoked, they tend to respond with aggression. Subtly undermining someone is more deniable than overt ways of expressing their anger and resentment.

Here are some examples to help you spot when it’s happening:

• social exclusion – avoiding eye contact, ignoring messages, excluding you from their social media account or withholding affection to punish you

• hostile undertone – making fun of others through jokes, backhanded compliments or sending messages that suggest you are at fault while minimising their role in a conflict

• indirect criticism – sharing embarrassing stories, or trying to undermine you by gossiping to others

• sabotage – regularly leaving tasks that are their responsibility to complete to the last minute, and making it your problem.

Such behaviour on its own might not be much bother, but being exposed to it regularly could cause distress. As an example, repeatedly being socially excluded at work has been linked to emotional exhaustion and reduced wellbeing.

Research on victims of narcissistic behaviour is limited, perhaps because passive-aggressive behaviour is often hidden. But the research we do have has shown people on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse experience anxiety, depression, low self-worth and a tendency to prioritise others’ needs over their own.

How you can protect yourself

Given that narcissists react aggressively to criticism, it’s probably best not to fight fire with fire. The following approaches may help.

Set clear boundaries. Make it clear you will not tolerate such behaviour. You could say something like: “I noticed you are not responding. I am willing to chat with you when you are ready to talk respectfully.”

Emotional detachment. Narcissists will probably throw digs or sarcastic comments your way to get a reaction. Once they get a reaction, the cycle escalates. One helpful technique may be “grey rocking”, where you keep your interactions and responses as brief and as uninteresting as possible. When a sarcastic comment is made, you could just say “yep” or “noted”.

Look after yourself. Prioritise your own needs and your wellbeing. For instance, immerse yourself in hobbies you enjoy or have fun with friends. Try also to make space for reflection so you can avoid internalising their comments. It’s about them, not you.

Seek support. Reaching out to people you trust or seeking professional support from a counsellor may help to strengthen your resilience. In the context of work, you may reach out to HR if the passive-aggressive behaviour is persistent, but remember to document everything and be factual. This may help minimise a narcissist’s efforts to gaslight you or others.

Power imbalance

Not everyone can easily create distance between themselves and that narcissistic person they know. Some people may be living with a narcissist, work with one, or they could be part of their social circle.

Given that narcissists often crave status, there’s a good chance there may be a power imbalance between you. This can be tricky as you may feel intimidated if they persistently use passive-aggressive behaviour, if they are senior to you at work for instance.

In this situation, it’s even more important to save important email chains, log conversations and seek support from HR if needed. If there’s a power imbalance with someone outside work, take extra care to set clear boundaries with them.

Each situation is different, and some things will be beyond your control.

What you can do though is focus on what’s within your control: your reactions, your wellbeing, and the support systems around you.

The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.