You may have heard of the term trauma bond, but if you were asked to explain what it means, could you?
Sometimes it gets thrown around incorrectly to describe people who have bonded over a shared trauma.
But a trauma bond is actually a form of abuse, and it can be difficult for victims to see they are in one, let alone break free from it.
We explain trauma bonds and how to recognise the signs of being in one, for yourself or a loved one.
What is a trauma bond?
The term trauma bond was coined by US addiction therapy specialist, Dr Patrick Carnes in 1997.
It is where a person forms a strong emotional attachment to someone who is abusive, manipulative, or toxic.
It's characterised by a cycle of abuse, followed by periods of seemingly positive reinforcement, which can make it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.
Lata Satyen, a psychologist and associate professor from Melbourne/Naarm, says trauma bonded relationships can occur with romantic partners, family, work colleagues, friends or even among victims of crime.
"They [the victim] may believe that their physical and psychological needs can only be met by the abuser, so they become wholly dependent on them," Dr Satyen says.
Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and speaker in the US, likens the cycle of a trauma bond to playing a poker machine.
"The reward comes here and there, and that's the core of a toxic relationship," she says.
"Just as you've got your hand on the doorknob to leave, or you're about to block them on your phone, they'll send you a message or gift, or they'll say something nice, or they'll do something nice.
"[The victim] will say 'I'm so confused, maybe I'm the one who's a bad person'.
"That's the intermittent reinforcement; that's the slot machine and that's the core of the trauma bonding."
What are the signs of a trauma bond?
Our experts say there are some key things that categorise a trauma bond in a relationship.
The signs and symptoms are described as the following:
- Emotional dependency on the abuser
- Minimising or justifying the abuse
- Love bombing or devaluation
- A cycle of intense highs and lows
- Isolation from friends and family
- Fear of abandonment
- Feeling grateful for small acts of kindness/affection
- Self-blame for the abuse
Dr Ramani says there is often a point in the relationship where the victim starts doing things to avoid "bad things" from happening.
"You're like, 'if I just say these things, if I just go along to get along, then we won't fight and we'll have a decent weekend,'" she says.
"That means they [abuser] can do the smallest, bread-crumby thing and you think 'this is great, we had such a good weekend, they didn't yell'.
"That's a bad moment in the relationship because it really is where the trauma bond gets even more unbreakable, because now you're not even seeing the way out."
Dr Satyen says that to a victim's family and friends, a trauma bond can look like a person having less independence or autonomy, as well as isolation from those they love.
"It's important for [friends and family] to just be there and to just tell the person that they can approach them whenever they want," she says.
"And that they don't have to feel shame about it because what happens is when that realisation occurs [about the abuse] … that person may feel a sense of shame and guilt."
How do you break a trauma bond?
A long-term trauma bond can have emotional, psychological and even physical impacts, leaving victims more at risk of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and loss of sense of self.
Dr Chelsea Tobin, CEO of Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre in Victoria, says if you recognise your relationship has patterns of abuse, reach out and speak to someone.
"I think we know that most people will go to a friend before they'll go to a service," she says.
"And so, I think checking in with a friend is always a good and safe first step, but then I would say there's services like Safe Steps that are here 24/7, 365 days a year with no judgement.
"[We are] happy to talk through your situation, give you information, help you understand and when you're ready, you can take whatever steps you want."
If you do decide to end the relationship, our experts say the following steps can help to overcome a trauma bond:
- Acknowledge and understand the trauma bond
- Set boundaries
- Allow yourself to grieve
- Rebuild your self-esteem and identity
- Challenge and rewire your thoughts
- Know that there is help available
- Seek professional support
- Surround yourself with supportive people
Dr Satyen says victim-survivors need to be patient and kind to themselves during the process and recognise the signs when the abuse cycle is continuing.
"What happens is once they leave, we see more often than not that the abuser shows them an immense amount of love, it's called love bombing," she says.
"And the victim-survivor believes that 'Oh this person is capable of demonstrating love and affection', so they go back and continue the bonding.
"That is what we call as the honeymoon period, it lasts for a few days to about three months, and then the whole cycle of abuse starts again."
This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.
