I love my friends … I do not love their kids

At this time of the year, with lots of parties, family catch-ups and holiday plans, you might be reminded of how much you love your friends.

But as their kids pester for screen time, drop chips everywhere and run screaming around the house, you may also be reminded of how you don’t have the same affection for their kids.

Why is this?

This tension can happen for several reasons. If you don’t have your own kids or are not able to have them, having friends with children may create grief or sadness.

Or children might represent a change in the dynamic of the friendship. You can’t talk over coffee without an interruption or go out for wine on a Friday night without the kids slipping into most of the conversation.

Or the kids might have some characteristics that rub you the wrong way. Perhaps you don’t like how they interact with your kids. Or maybe you are just genuinely annoyed by what you see as their demanding or chaotic behaviour. It’s not cool when they jump on your couch with their dirty shoes or forget your cat does not like to be poked.

What are your expectations?

Your intolerance can stem from our own expectations of how children should be parented. This is often based on our experiences of being parented and then how we, in turn, parent our own kids. In response to this we can consciously or unconsciously expect others to follow our expectations about kids.

For example, you might have been raised in a household where evening meals were eaten at the same time each night around the dining table, and you created the same ritual in your home. Your friends might have more fluid meal times.

The intolerance to your friends’ kids can go across different developmental stages.

When kids are little, they might be too excited or noisy around your kids. Or your friend might disappear halfway through dinner to put their child to bed and you don’t see them again because the child does not settle.

Teenagers may be constantly messaging their parent asking for lifts, food or where their phone charger is. Or your friend might be constantly texting their children to see where they are and what they’re up to.

Do you end up cancelling plans?

Your strong responses to your friend’s children might create some unspoken ambivalence to catch up with your friends. You might find yourself cancelling planned catch-ups or continually putting them off.

Tensions within the friendship might appear. Particularly if you decide to give your friend feedback about their kids, or tell their kids off yourself. In extreme cases, the friendship might end.

How can you keep the friendship going?

Friendships, like all other relationships, take patience and work. So, finding the same patience for your friend’s children is very important.

It can also be helpful to set some boundaries for yourself, which might look like having a catch-up when the children are not around or keeping the catch-up time limited.

If it’s your house, you can set boundaries around behaviour. For example, your bedroom is off-limits for hide-and-seek. Or no shoes on the couch. But try to avoid telling your friends what you don’t like about their children’s behaviour.

If you are asked for parenting advice, separate the child from their behaviour and start with some positives. Rather than “Archie is annoying and should be told to stop whining,” say “Poor Archie, he seems to be so tired, it has been such a long day of activities”.

If you all have kids, but just parent them differently, it might be that you have to exercise tolerance and acceptance for different parenting styles. Most parents are doing the best they can with the resources and supports they have, which sometimes are tested.

Remember the context

When we think about children’s behaviour, we also need to think about the context. There might be some very valid reasons why the child is behaving in a certain way, and these reasons might not yet be known to us.

Behaviour in children is not random – it is usually a vehicle to communicate something is going on, a need is not being met, or a worry that cannot be conveyed in words.

For example, they might be having a hard time at school, there might be tension in the parents’ relationship or there might be temperamental, medical and/or diagnostic reasons for the behaviour.

So hold curiosity, kindness and compassion as these qualities will help bridge the road back to love for your friends and love for their children (at least most of the time!).

Catherine E. Wood does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.